What Would Jesus Brew?

"It's the oldest story ever told -- the struggle between good and evil... There is a battle being waged between those who make good beer and those who make evil beer."

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An Ever-Expanding Moebius Strip of Metabullshit

We recently came across a transcript of a talk that is credited to the late Neil Postman. It's called "Bullshit and the Art of Crap Detection," and was supposedly delivered nearly 40 years ago at a conference for English teachers.

Just on the face of it, it seems like the sort of thing that you'd expect to find on blogs by people who enjoy thinking of themselves as learned... A respected scholar slips into the vernacular, and we can all have a smug laugh about it amongst our scholarly selves. Tee-hee.

And indeed, such is the case. This essay pops up all over the Interwebs on any number of blogs -- posing as "scholarly" -- that gleefully repost "Neil Postman's classic essay." We first came across it on a blog called "CriticaliThinkingiSnippets."

This, by the way, strikes us as more than a bit ironic. Because if there were some actual critical thinking going on, someone might have determined that "Bullshit and the Art of Crap Detection," is probably... well... bullshit.

Now, when you have bullshit that's about bullshit, that's what we at Radio Zero call "Metabullshit." And when you have bullshit about bullshit proliferating on the web the way this piece seems to have, that is what we call: "An Ever-Expanding Moebius Strip of Metabullshit."

We're not hardcore Postman scholars by any stretch. But we have read enough of his work to know that, even though he has a great sense of humor, it's NBL (not bloody likely) that Postman authored a paper about bullshit.

The closest thing we've found so far is Postman's The Educationist As Painkiller, where the word "bullshit" makes a cameo in a fleeting moment of levity before the author announces he'll settle on the less offensive "balderdash" to illustrate his points.

Otherwise, a quick search through a number of online sources that review Postman's literature more thoroughly (sources which do not include Wikipedia, by the way) don't list the "Bullshit" paper at all.

On the other hand, there seems to be no definite statement that "Bullshit and the Art of Crap Detection" is a hoax, either. Until such time, we'll just go out on a limb and claim that "Bullshit and the Art of Crap Detection" was probably written by a pinhead grad student researching yet another study on how cultural memes proliferate via internet, or the nature of truth in the information age, or blah blah frickin' blah.

We'd love to be proven wrong.

There's more Jesus and Mo here

More "Jesus And Mo" Here

There's More "Jesus and Mo" Here

Newfangled Coffeeshops Create Grande Tizzy In Ivory Tower

Professor Angles for Larry King's Job in What Just Might Be "The Worst Op-Ed Piece Ever Written"

"... Our professor seems to think he has encountered a brand-new cultural phenomenon: coffee places that are disturbingly different from the lunch counters of yesteryear. Well, I did a little Googling, and it turns out he's right! There are hosts of these coffee chain stores, including one with the improbable name Starbucks, infiltrating our cities."

Slate's Ron Rosenbaum creams Stanley Fish's coffee here

You can read the original Fish-in-a-barrel here

Model Behavior

Digging through the attic recently, we unearthed a memento of a fun little memory from just over five years ago. The occasion was the live premiere broadcast of Little Steven’s Underground Garage, a nationally syndicated radio show that continues to be one of the most wildly successful in recent history.

Little Steven took over New York City’s Hard Rock Café to throw a huge party for the launch, and Garage Rock legends were everywhere – We even shared burgers with Lenny Kaye and drinks with Richard and the Young Lions.

The event was just as much a celebration of New Jersey Guys Made Good, with virtually every celebrity from The State Next Door in attendance. That included co-stars from one of Little Steven’s other gigs, The Sopranos, who may not have been real Jerseyites but played them on TV.

Loud music, go-go dancers and swirling day-glo lights kept the surroundings psychedelicized. But it was genuinely surreal to weave around people on the dance floor doing the Frug and the Swim, then bump into TV Mafiosi.

In the V.I.P. Room, Jon Bon Jovi surrounded himself with a phalanx of what looked like genuine Mafiosi. Some people could occassionally be seen penetrating the barrier, however, creating the curious effect of a "V.I.P.-Room-Within-A-V.I.P.-Room." It was at one of the food tables in the remaining V.I.Plebe Zone where a woman named Pamela Vandenberg told us about some her recent projects, including a gig modelling as "Sindy" for Altoids cinnamon mints.

Have a look at this clip featuring Pamela as Sindy – which is way up there on our list of the best ads ever filmed.



This other clip is pretty good, too.



The Sindy campaign was an enormous success (dare we call it "iconic"?), and pushed Altoids way over the top in their effort to be a "hip" brand. But we have to admit that, at first, Pamela's claim to being Sindy seemed a bit dubious.

First of all, she looked more to us like a young Lauren Hutton than the devilish minx in the ads. But more to the point, famous models simply don’t make conversation with people like us. You know, people who use words like "phalanx," and still expect to hold someone's attention.

Yet there was Pamela, happily chatting it up. And any doubts about her true identity were dispelled when Pamela gave us her direct mail piece, a mini-portfolio of sorts, which included her work as Sindy.

A few minutes after we had all moved on to mingle, Pamela returned to give us an Altoids postcard, and autographed it: "You’re too hot! Sindy." It was that very postcard that we found in the attic recently, conjuring up memories of that great big loud insane party at the Underground Garage.

At a number of parties since then, we’ve taken a cue from Pamela and handed out autographed photos of ourselves, using character names like "Magnus," "Gaspard" and "Dr. Finger." They never seem to go over quite as well as "Sindy," though. And we can understand why... Have a look at Pamela Vandenberg’s website, and see for yourself.

The Tears Of A Clown

Crispin Glover's "Clowny Clown Clown"

Toothache Of The Clown

Jerry Lewis in "The Day The Clown Cried"
Wikipedia Entry

Bonus Happy Clowns! Clown Ministry

My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey

Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing he does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowed them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.)

Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”

The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”

Continue reading here at Newyorker.com

Now Look Here

Is it any wonder that TV's best ensemble cast also throws the best Christmas party?

The cast of "Scrubs" added some new dialogue to the classic "Charlie Brown Christmas" for a holiday party they threw a few seasons ago... If you are at all familiar with the show, this ten-minute reel is just as brilliant and inspired as you might imagine. If you're not familiar with the show, this could very well serve as a fine introduction to one of the funniest shows -- Nay -- the funniest show on TV today.

Either way, it's a fair guess that you'll probably never see Scrubs' "My Charlie Brown Christmas" on TV -- or on DVD for that matter -- so have a look here. And if you decide you want a copy for yourself, download it here.


If you don't have RealPlayer, get it here so you can stream our videos and music... It's free.

Now Look Here

Smokey the Bear? Crying Indian? Pshaw. Have a look at this.

Your Escape From Holiday Hell

Radio Zero's Helpful Holiday Hints To Make Your Gift Shopping More Fun

* Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

* Set all of the alarm clocks in the Housewares section to go off at 5-minute intervals.

* Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

* Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official tone, 'Code 3.' Watch what happens.

* Put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

* When a clerk asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

* Look into the security camera, like a mirror, and pick your nose.

* Dart furtively around the store while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

* In the Auto department, try a "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

* Hide in a clothing rack, and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

* When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "No! No! It's those voices again!!!!"

* Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

In Space, No One Can Ask If You Want Fries With That

NEW YORK (Reuters) - From space, extraterrestrials and astronauts can look back to earth and see The Great Wall of China -- and KFC's Colonel Sanders.

The KFC Corp. recently launched a rebranding campaign with an 87,500 square-foot image of Colonel Sanders in the Nevada desert which the company says makes Kentucky Fried Chicken the world's first brand visible from space.

Read the full story here.

Cognitive Dissonance
We at Radio Zero find ourselves strangely attracted, yet repelled.

Because You Can't Make Goat Cheese With A Woman
Sudanese Man Takes Goat Bride After Roll In The Hay

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his wife, after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr. Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr. Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr. Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr. Alifi said. Mr. Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up." Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife."

Stolen almost entirely word for word from BBC News

Who Invited That Guy?

Here at Radio Zero, we believe it is much more important to appear intelligent than to actually be intelligent.

That's why there was cause for excitement when we scored an advance copy of "TheiConciseiGuide toiSoundingiSmart atiParties."

Everyone else must wait until October to buy this book. But as a reader of this blog, you have an exclusive preview. Soon, you can lay legitmate claim to being the erudite raconteur extraordinaire that everyone wants to talk to at parties.

"The Concise Guide" grips you from the very start with strategies detailing how you can bring up Hannibal [247 BC - 183 BC] in conversation ("There's more foreigners here than in Hannibal's army") and it never lets go.

Here are just two more bon mots to mix with your pink drinks:

How to Bring Up Richard Wagner in Conversation
"Dude! Maybe it's time to get a little Richard Wagner and compose yourself."

How to Bring Up Bob Fosse in Conversation
"Hey now! Those are some sexy moves. Been taking dance lessons from Bob Fosse?"

Of course, if you want to truly appear intelligent at parties, you'll need to back up such powerful entrees to conversation with some actual knowledge of culture and history. We at Radio Zero, however, are a bit intimidated by things like the sheer enormity of recorded history, and would much rather leave that stuff to the professionals to figure out. In fact, we would rather just not read at all unless we really have to.


Rest assured, the authors have done all that reading for us. And they present the annals of history with such rapier wit that we found ourselves just laughing too hard to realize that we were taking in the accumulated wisdom of a civilization many millenia in the making. (In fact, through this book, we've also learned that 'annals' is actually spelled with two N's)

For instance, in the section "J. Robert Oppenheimer Was Da Bomb," we learn that the titular scientist was "appointed to lead the Manhattan Project -- the government team responsible for creating the first nuclear bomb, not the Alan Parsons Project, the rock band responsible for creating explosive pop music."

And in "Hitler 101," we learn that Der Fuhrer blamed Jews "as the source of all problems in the world with not even one nice word at least admitting how delicious bagels are."

The authors have a firm grasp of their incredibly varied subject matter and are imminently qualified to present it in an entertaining yet informative way. DavidiMatalon is a feature film director (he's wrapping up production oniVolleygirlias we speak), and ChrisiWoolsey is a freelance writer, 'youth speaker' and actor. We may not ever be lucky enough to see these Hollywood power brokers in action at a party, but with this book, we don't need to.

Anyway, to quote Mr. T, enough jibber jabber. There's so much to take away from "The Concise Guide," but here's just a small sampling of more smart-sounding subjects sure to stimulate scintillating small talk at the next soiree that has the honor of your presence:

How to Bring Up Smallpox in Conversation
"Agh! I've got this thing on my face that makes me look like I've got variola major."

How to Bring Up Sir Walter Raliegh in Conversation
"Girl, I can't believe you took credit for that. You totally just pulled a Raleigh."

How to Bring Up Bhopal in Conversation
"Don't you hate people who make empty promises like Union Carbide at Bhopal?"

How to Bring Up John Wayne Gacy in Conversation
"That guy's house stank so bad, I thought John Wayne Gacy was renting a room."

How to Bring Up Anton Chekov in Conversation
"Ya gotta chickity Chekov yourself before you wreck yourself by getting too serious about things."

My Kid And My Money Go To Monty Python
John Cleese Appointed Cornell Provost's Visiting Professor for Three-Year Term

"We have been fortunate to have John Cleese as an A.D. White Professor for eight years -- two years longer than the normal term," said Cornell President Hunter Rawlings. "He has been so popular we've now made him Provost's Visiting Professor in response to requests from students and faculty."

Cleese holds an M.A. in law from the University of Cambridge and an honorary LL.D. from St. Andrews University, where he was rector for several years.

Throughout his career, Cleese has used humor as a teaching tool. Along with his Monty Python cohorts, Cleese has presented relatively advanced concepts in philosophy, science, history, religion, politics, human relations and physics to general audiences.

Appointed an A.D. White Professor in 1999, Cleese used his role to introduce other notable visitors to campus whose knowledge, expertise and enthusiasms were in concert with his own, including Hollywood screenwriter William Goldman, wildlife preservationist Simon Hicks and W.C. Fields biographer James Curtis.

Cleese became known on campus for presenting eclectic rounds of public talks on topics ranging from human development and animal welfare to the works of W. Somerset Maugham. He delivered a sermon at Sage Chapel on his experience with religion, gave public readings and screenings of Python blockbusters and generally seemed to relish his role as "professor-at-large."

Adapted from Cornell University Chronicle

... And We Shouldn't Call It "Child Rearing," Either

"Even if [the dad] drops the kid and he cracks his head, at least he'll be heterosexual. A small price to pay."

-- Research psychologist Joseph Nicolosi encouraging his followers to engage in manly activities with their male children.